I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you had me at cake vodka
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
