apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
