he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You pole danced in your parka.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
