I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
