I feel great
I just peed on a car
I could make wine with my vomit
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
