I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dick very happy bro
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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