There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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