Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
