i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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