I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
