tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
