I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
