I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
