I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
His nipple licking is glorious
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