It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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