If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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