ya dads aren't the best wingmen
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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