the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
