How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
