i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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