happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
