i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
