Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my sisters under your porch take her home
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As shirtless as possible
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
