when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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