My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
