Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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