it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
