I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We need a shit load of segways right now
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
