I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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