Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I have aggressive nipples.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
