anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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