I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
