Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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