babies were throwing up all over the place
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
even my farts smell like vagina
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
