Pappa wants mamma naked
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I met the friendliest cop last night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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