pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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