Just fell off a train. Bad.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i now understand why vodka
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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