I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
