I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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