You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
