I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My vagina is very pro this idea
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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