i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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