I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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