rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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