I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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