i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
