i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
