you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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