I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
