Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Blow job season was short but glorious.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
