so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My bed smells like the plague
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
